


hold them close, hold them near

by burnsides



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: All my fics have that title, Angst, Autistic Character, Borderline Personality Disorder, Gen, Trans Character, characters plural but you know, minor episode 62 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 04:41:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10959870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burnsides/pseuds/burnsides
Summary: "Scale of one to ten, how much did you hate her."Merle leans back. Touches underneath his beard, where it trails off into scraggly thickets and then to skin. The night sky is so dark it's blue, swallowing any light the stars might have offered. "Nine."Taako scoofs. "Pansy."





	hold them close, hold them near

**Author's Note:**

> i heavily heavily interpret what clint said in the last ttazz, of merle feeling inferior and feeling as if he had no place in the team, as him having bpd. it didn't articulate quite into the fullness i see him having in this fic, but if i wrote anything drastically wrong or bad, please feel free to tell me and i'll fix it!

The first time he sees Magnus cry is when he's being carried away in his arms. 

Merle wakes up to a sharp gasp of pain, shooting through his ribs and crawling up his neck like a lightning strike. He feels a familiar thick, metallic taste fill his mouth, rolling across his tongue in waves. It's not pain - it's not anything - it's numb. It feels so numb. The only thing he's processing is wet splatters across his tunic and face, rolling down his blood speckled beard. He looks up, blearily, into sunlight, and Magnus is sobbing above him. 

Seeing Magnus Burnsides, face creased with smile lines, freckled and sun-kissed, sobbing as if it was the end of the world, was one of the most jarring things he could have imagined. He'd only known this kid for weeks, and the only thing out of his mouth was howling laughter and too eager words. Magnus plundered forward with all the emotional grace of a dying horse, but Merle had never seen him this crushed. It hit him harder than he'd like to admit. Than he'd ever admit. 

In the back of his mind, he hears Taako snap, "Stop crying, you big brick shithouse. He's _fine,_ " but his voice sounds shrill and high. Merle sputters again, feels spit and bile and blood coat his lips, and Taako says, "See? Look at him! Your wailing dragged him back from death's waiting arms."

Merle blinks. His glasses are broken. The sun smears over the top of Magnus's eyelashes, and he breathes in, air sputtering in his lungs.

"I didn't want him to die," he says, and Merle wants to laugh, but his lungs are broken, it feels like. _That's a first!_ he wants to crack out, wants to make them laugh at his incompetence, wants to turn the tender feeling between his fingers into something funny, this is funny, boys, this is _funny!_

He hears people yelling around them, and he fades to black again, Magnus half-rocking him in his arms.

\-----

They don't have victories, often, but when they do, they celebrate. Frantically. Happily. Taako freely flings his arms around Magnus's shoulders (something that thrills him, makes him beam with pride. Kid looks at Taako like he hangs the moon), boasting about trials that the rest could never imagine. Crystal golems and singing mothers and hauntingly handsome men. Magnus raises his fist in motion with his retelling of confronting Lucas, staring down the Grim Reaper, charging forward again and again. He carries Merle on his shoulders the whole time, beaming with pride at their accomplishments. The two women - gods, the girlfriends, what are there names? _Carey and Killian_ , right, right - jump in and add their own tales. Boast of their own feats. The Bureau eats it up. 

"This guy was stellar," Magnus says, raising a foamy glass to his lips. His thumb is jabbing at Merle, who stares at him, alarmed. The conversation had shifted to quieter moments, drifting into the night like smoke. 

"Mm." Taako takes as much space as humanly possible, knees knocking with Magnus'. "Old man couldn't heal our dicks for shit, but he sure did call up his big boss in the sky, for us."

"Your _what?_ " Avi asks, leaning forward. "What did you do?!"

Merle opens his mouth only a little, sidelong glancing at his companions. Taako isn't looking at anyone, staring at the frayed shag carpeting in their shitty common room as if it's the most interesting thing in the world, soft hair in front of his face, but waves his hand, just a little. Magnus turns to him, eyes sparkling. The beer has made his voice warm but not fuzzy, and his cheeks are adorned with a healthy flush. 

"Yeah, man, tell 'em. I did get to tell the badass story of how I chopped off your arm, so. Take this one to the stage," Magnus says.

Even though it's just Avi who's really paying attention, Merle plays it out. The wine has made him bold, and he loves it. Hears the catch in his voice as he calls out to his god, begging for a new sign, presses his finger gun to Avi's head. Taako helpfully describes the details of the explosion of golden, fiery leaves that erupted from his arm like a tree in autumn, and Merle can only agree. It was a sight to behold, truly. Drops to his knees in the emotion of it all, pressing his arm to his chest.

"I can only be truly grateful that these dumb lugs didn't try to cut off more of my body parts," he ends, gallantly, glasses nearly slipping from his nose. 

Avi applauds graciously, and Merle laughs, bowing. When he looks back to his side, Magnus is beaming, and Taako is hiding a smile behind his knuckles pressed to his face. Shining in the glowing light of their own moon.

\-----

"Scale of one to ten, how much did you hate her."

Merle leans back. Touches underneath his beard, where it trails off into scraggly thickets and then to skin. The night sky is so dark it's blue, swallowing any light the stars might have offered. "Nine."

Taako scoofs. "Pansy."

For once, Magnus doesn't laugh at the off comment. He's putting his chin on his knees, and after a moment puts his knuckles to his mouth, gnawing at the skin there. Taako hands him his umbrella, off handed, not even really thinking about it, and Magnus gratefully puts the end in his mouth, chewing on the soft wood. Usually he had a woodcarving to stim with, but not today. Not tonight. It's okay. They've had an off day.

"Can't help it," Merle says.

"What're you saving the other point for? What, is there someone you hate _more?_ Gotta keep that sweet hatred point in stock, in your little breast pocket, safe and sound?"

He shrugs. Merle does not tell them that he thinks of his children, of a beach side so far away from here. Even being planetside didn't help with the distance. It was something intangible but real, incredibly, infuriatingly real. Something you could taste with your tongue and roll around like a marble. Mavis has brilliant eyes that match his. Mookie has a gap tooth smile that feels like looking at himself, through a hazy mirror, through years of youth not quite there anymore.

He does not tell this to Taako, who will come to him at night to watch him sing lullabies to his plants, because he knows Merle will not mention his shaking knees, his shuddering shoulders, the frizz in his hair and spike in his voice that he does not want Magnus to see. He does not tell this to Magnus, who throws him across his shoulder despite his protests, the word _dad_ slipping from his mouth like rainfall down a window. 

"How about you, Taako? Scale of one to ten, how about - how about your asshole," Merle asks. 

Taako scoffs. Folds his arms, carefully, calculated, ignoring the raise in Merle's eyebrow. As if hiding anything from either of them would do any good, even from Magnus, who fumbles reaching for lines in between stories that aren't his. 

"Ten. A hundred. A thousand thousands. 'S that good enough for you?" 

"Taako, you could say that about anyone and I'd believe it."

This time Taako does laugh, a hallow, empty sad. It bounces off of the trees around them, landing flat at their feet. 

"Fair assessment, home boy." He presses his hand to his chin, tapping his perfect fingernails there. "I don't know if I hate him, not really. I think - even after all this time, after everything he did. I still," Taako stops. Breathes in, out. Mutters out a list of ingredients under his breath. Merle waits, thinks of past times when Taako would do this and Merle would jab at him, tugging on his leg. Still there, Taako? Off in your kitchen again? Watch him smile with barren teeth, pressing balled fists to his sides.

"I still think it's my _fault_ ," Taako finishes. 

Merle tells himself not to move. This is Magnus's job. But Magnus is out of service, out of job, staring at something that isn't there. Pressing the umbrella handle to his mouth and across his lips and looking at his left hand, at a light, tan band across one of his fingers. So Merle awkwardly, quickly, tugs Taako to his side, tugs himself to Magnus's side. Taako lets out a shuddering breath, then presses his palm to his mouth. 

"It's so stupid," Taako manages. 

"'S not. It happens. Shit happens."

They sit there for a while, in the woods, Magnus's arm eventually shoving the both of them towards him, which cuts the silence with Taako's half bark of a laugh.

\-----

A moment. Not quite here, not quite there.

Every time he gets killed, he goes back, immediately. They need him to. He needs to try again. He needs to try again, and again, and again. This diplomacy will get through. He will find a way, as he always does. 

He's surprised by the thirteenth (fourteenth? Fifteenth?) cycle, when Magnus grabs his arm before he goes. Merle jerks back, staring at him. It hits him just how stupid this kid looks, hair muffled and frizzy and big eyes a little desperate, the lack of a shirt betraying a line of goosebumps that crawl up to his binder in the cold air. 

"What," Merle asks, and it's sharper than he intended, he knows it's barbed. 

Magnus flinches, but blinks back, anyhow. "Do you - do you have to go right now?"

And oh, that hurts. Hits him right in the chest cavity. And he sees Lup and Taako, leaning against a wall of the ship, keeping their distance, but watching. Looking a little curiously. After a moment, Lup pipes up, "C'mon, we've been working on some new shit that'll blow your MIND, Dad."

Suddenly there are arms around him, from Barry, and he's shaking just a little. Lup laughs elegantly, and Barry moves away, quickly, swiping at his eyes. Merle blinks, stunned, and also slightly mortified because he doesn't have a shirt on, and, Jesus. 

Magnus is still holding on tight, eager as always, as ever. "You don't have to go yet." It's not a question, and Merle takes it in stride. He pats the fighters cheek affectionately, pretends not to notice the flash of fear that greets his eyes initially.

"You know, you guys - you guys really make me glad to be alive. To be here." The words surprise him, coming from his own mouth, cracking on the journey. Taako isn't smiling anymore. 

"It's a relief to wake up and know that - that you're all _here_ ," he manages. The words feel hot and awful coming from his mouth, and he's suddenly so tired. He's just exhausted. "That it worked, even for just a little."

"Merle," is what he hears before he closes his eyes. Lets himself go. Opens his heart, and he thinks of everyone waiting for him, back there.

And he's gone.


End file.
